You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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