Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
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