im drinking this country out of the recession.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
what is it with giant penises always finding me
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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