New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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