You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
