I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
