I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
