Someone shit on the floor
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
