so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
