I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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