there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
