you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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