So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Text me some of your sweat
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
