I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
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