How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
