"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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