when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
