I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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