I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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