I got chris browned last night
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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