this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
