The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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