I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I need to sanitize my soul.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
