I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
