I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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