I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
