Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
