I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
