Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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