i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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