So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
