No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Randomize
