If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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