I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
