I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
