If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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