Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
