So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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