wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
