ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Dear god my vagina.
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