im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Randomize
