just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
She told me I should be a condom model.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
