The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Randomize
