Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Randomize
