Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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