if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
He better not be in your backpack
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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