I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Small penises have feelings too.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
