Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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