Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
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