Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
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