that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
