id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
