I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Randomize
