Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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